Recycling

[Henry J]

Southern Orientation

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.

And, the north was way more snow than the south...

But then, so does the west...

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[Henry J]

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH -----------

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store ..do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. (My Favorite)

Have a good day! Send this to people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it.

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[lswot]

"Have a good day! Send this to people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it."

That would be......A'fore ya know it.

Goodness, you are like the energizer bunny.....you just (jest) keep a'writin' and a'posten' all this stuff.

[Henry J]

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS (1 of 3)

GENERAL

Never take a beer to a job interview.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOUSE

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

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[Henry J]

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS (2 of 3)

PERSONAL HYGIENE

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (outside the family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. [I dunno; that one sounds fishy.]

Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

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[Henry J]

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS (3 of 3)

THEATER ETIQUETTE

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can

create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

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[Henry J]

One-question IQ test

A mute who wants to buy a toothbrush goes into a store. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first.

The answer is below.

DO YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER?

.
.
.
.
.

He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy pair of sunglasses."
(You didn't get this wrong, did you?)

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[Henry J]

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Billy Bob's pregnant Sister had a car accident and went into a deep coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot.

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. " I like Denise."

When she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

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[Xjmt]

[lswot]

[Henry J]

It's all relative!

[Henry J]

Subject: Even Dear Abby can't answer
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER.

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Dear Abby - A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

(Does either of them look like Cpl. Klinger from MASH?)

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Dear Abby - What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

(Maybe call Colonel Sanders?)

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Dear Abby - I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

(If he's cheating that much, are you sure your baby is yours?)

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[lswot]

sometimes people just do not think!

[Henry J]

Dear Abby - I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

(What we have there is a failure of communication... )

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Dear Abby - I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

(Nolo contendre?)

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Dear Abby - Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

(Yeah, gotta be careful around members of that religion. Chop. Chop. )

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Dear Abby - I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out?

(Out of the navy? Or out of the world?)

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[Henry J]

Dear Abby - My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

(If only some people suffer from insanity, do the rest enjoy it?)

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Dear Abby - I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't even know he drank until one night he came home sober.

(But at least beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... )

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Dear Abby - My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

(Let us put that one on pause.)

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Dear Abby - You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband has lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

(Get a second opinion?)

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