Recycling

[Henry J]

FROM THE MYSTERIOUS MIND OF STEPHEN WRIGHT:
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible.... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, > he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

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[Henry J]

Oh, and happy Pi Day!

[Henry J]

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height.... which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

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[lswot]

Pearls of wisdom

[Henry J]

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

The speed of time is one second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

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[Henry J]

The "innocent" things kids say
WHY WE Love Children

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...."Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

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[Henry J]

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

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[Henry J]

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown"
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

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[Henry J]

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word). Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

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[Henry J]

Should Children Witness Childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again."

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[Henry J]

This one might be fruitful:

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

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"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
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"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
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"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

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[Henry J]

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

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IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

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Quick, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes. Nothing will happen if you don't, but if you do, ten people will be laughing.

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[Henry J]

WHY!?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? [Just leave the cap open too long!]

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
[Why, because of all those close shaves!]

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? [Cause, iron is harder than lead?]

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[Henry J]

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? [Same reason as anybody else - in case of a minor accident! )

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? [Doesn't matter; it's all going down the drain anyway!]

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? {That one I'll have to sleep on.]

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? [Maybe it's over something else, and to the left?]

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? [Some people can pull strings, but others can't?]

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try? [Cause it's hard to make ends meet?]

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[Henry J]

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? [Same way bugs get into computers?]

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? [Practice?]

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? [It's just a matter of degree.]

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? [What? Sorry, I wasn't listening.]

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? [And if that still doesn't work, try reading the instructions!]

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you. [If only 1 of 4 is suffering, does that mean the other 3 enjoy it?]

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