Recycling

[Henry J]

[Henry J]

Some artists of the '60s are revising their hit songs
with new lyrics, to accommodate the aging baby boomers. They include:

Hermann's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"

Ringo Starr: "I Get By With a Little Help from Depends"

Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"

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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

(2nd of 2)

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard it Through the Bran Flakes"

Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

The Temptations: "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Abba: "Denture Queen"

Tony Orlando: "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Fall, Dear"

Helen Reddy: "I am Woman, Hear me Snore"

Willie Nelson: "On the Throne Again"

Leslie Gore: "It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I Want To"

topper

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[Henry J]

Alabama : Hell Yes, We Have Electricity [and NASA!]

Alaska : 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! [It's inuitive!]

Arizona : But It's A Dry Heat [Baked Arizona?]

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California : By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
California.............not just another pretty face.
California.............our Governor can beat up your Governor [and he'll be back!]

Colorado : If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother [Well, I live there, and don't ski, so... ]

Connecticut : Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It yet

Delaware : We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water [dihydrogen monoxide anyone?]

Florida : Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia : We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii : Aloha, come here to lei about on the beaches after the luau

Idaho : More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois : Please Don't Pronounce the "S" [Why, they don't like noise?]

Indiana : 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free [Same here in CO!]

Iowa : We Do Amazing Things With Corn [and produced Capt. Kirk and Cpl. O'Reilly ]

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[Henry J]

Kansas : First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky : Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland : If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts : Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan : First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota : 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi : Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri : Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana : Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska : Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada : Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire : Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey : You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico : Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York : You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina : Tobacco Is A Vegetable

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[Henry J]

North Dakota : We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma : Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon : Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania : Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina : Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota : Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee : The Educashun State [I resemble that remark! ]

Texas : Si, Hablo Ingles

Utah : Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont : Yep

Virginia : Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington : We have more rain than you do

Washington , DC. : Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia : One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin : Come Cut The Cheese [And we'll badger ya til ya do!]

Wyoming : Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared [I don't get it!]

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[Henry J]

Support A Family:
The prospective father-in-law asked, "young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.

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First Time Ushers:
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me daddy. I'm under five."

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Prayers:
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"no sir," he replied, "we don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"

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[Henry J]

EXERCISE .... the true facts!

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on Earth she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks and Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

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[Henry J]

Fifteen Things To Remember as We Close the Book on Another Century

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

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[Henry J]

(Second of 3)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

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[Henry J]

(Third of 3)

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Your friends love you anyway.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

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[Henry J]

Schwartzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use his.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?

Answer tomorrow!

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[Henry J]

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

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Oh, the answer to yesterday's riddle:

.
.
.

"A Last Name."

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[Henry J]

Murphy showed up at Mass on Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said: "Murphy, I'm so glad you are here, what made you come?"

Murphy said: "I got to be honest with ya Father. A while back I misplaced me hat and I really, really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn has a hat just like it and that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday so I was going to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said: Well, Murphy, I see that you didn't steal his hat, what made you change your mind?"

Murphy said: "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided I didn't need to steal his hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: "After I talked about "thou Shall Not Steal" you decided to live without the hat rather than burn in Hell?"

Murphy shook his head and said: "No Father, after you talked about "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultry", I remembered where I left me hat!!"

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