Recycling

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Mon Apr 20, 2015 11:35 am

hi.....been gone awhile.....computer gave up the ghost. I now have a new one and doing my best getting used to it. Now if I could only figure out how to keep this on my favorites.....not really, I can....sort of.....
bye

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Apr 20, 2015 5:16 pm

Re "computer gave up the ghost"

BOO!

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Apr 20, 2015 5:16 pm

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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Oh my!

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Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Tue Apr 21, 2015 12:47 pm

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Apr 21, 2015 6:28 pm

CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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topper

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Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Apr 22, 2015 6:20 pm

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume that you are already doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAKS:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor's, you are able to come to work.

REST-ROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest-room. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

SURGERY:

As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Apr 23, 2015 5:52 pm

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her but since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap, and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time. the next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!

Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."

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(Oh hush, I just forward them, I don't write them.)

topper

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Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Fri Apr 24, 2015 10:30 am

Corny but funny. IMHO

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Apr 24, 2015 5:19 pm

Two fish were swimming upstream and ran into a concrete wall. One looks at the other and says,"Dam"!!

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Okay? "Would you believe"? (Maxwell Smart) A woman was going over her last will and testament with her pastor and told him about her last two dying wishes. The first one was that she be cremated. The second one was that her ashes be spread over Walmart.
"Walmart"? the Pastor questioned.
The woman replied,"Yes, that way I'll know that my daughters will visit me twice a week".

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lswot · Post by **lswot** » Sat Apr 25, 2015 8:55 am

Henry J wrote:Re "computer gave up the ghost"

BOO!

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Apr 25, 2015 11:01 am

A "visitor" to the insane asylum asked a doctor what exactly was the criteria they used to determine if a patient needs to be in the asylum or not.

The doctor explained,"Well, first we fill a bathtub up with water. Then we show them a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket and ask them which one they would use to empty out the tub".

The visitor nodding responded," Oh, Okay I understand... a normal person would use the bucket".

The doctor gave the "visitor" a sympathetic look and said," No, no, no no.... a normal person would pull the plug. Now, isn't it about time for your meds"?

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Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Apr 26, 2015 9:26 am

Another hotel guest was complaining about an alarm clock going off in the next room. The guest was upset because he was trying to get some sleep after a long flight and the beeping sound coming from the next room was preventing him from falling asleep. I listened for the alarm and heard a faint beeping sound coming from the wall next to the bed. I checked the next room and found it vacant and quiet. I returned to the guest's room and listened again and could still hear the beeping sound coming from the wall. I moved closer to the wall and found that the beeping sound was coming from the guest's suitcase which was next to the wall. I asked him if he had anything in his suitcase that has an alarm. He opened up his suitcase and found that it was his travel clock alarm that was making the beeping sound. It wasn't a proud moment for him.

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Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Apr 27, 2015 6:32 pm

Recently, there was a cancellation of a Delta Airlines flight out of JFK. The long line of passengers were being rescheduled by a single ticket agent. One man pushed his way through the line up to the ticket counter and slammed his ticket on the counter saying,"I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND"?!!

The ticket agent politely told him,"Yes sir, I'm sure I'll be able to help you. However, I will be assisting these other passengers first".

Infuriated by her calm demeanor the man yelled,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM"?!!

The ticket agent grabbed the microphone and made an announcement over the PA system:"May I have your attention please?, we have a passenger at gate 6 who doesn't know who he is. If anyone knows his identity please report to gate 6".

The other passengers in line began laughing. The irate ticket holder looked at the ticket agent and said,"F...YOU"!!!

The ticket agent calmly replied,"I'm sorry Sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too".

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Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Apr 28, 2015 6:15 pm

A police officer pulled over this driver for speeding. As he approached the driver he noticed a large collection of knives, swords and machetes in the back seat.

Placing his hand on his firearm he asked the driver to step out of the vehicle.

The Officer asked the driver about the weopons in his car and the driver explained that he was a performer and had a juggling act.

Being skeptical the officer told the driver,"If you can juggle these knives and swords, I'll let you off the hook with a warning".

The driver got a bunch of knives and machetes and began flipping and spinning them in the air with the greatest of ease. Behind his back and between his legs he juggled like a professional.

As this was going on a couple driving by watched what was going on. The husband turned to his wife and said,"Look honey, its a good thing I gave up drinking, see the sobriety test they're giving these days".

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Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Apr 29, 2015 6:14 pm

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that.

For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

topper

(Okay, but did he win the Darwin Award for that year?

)

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The Show Place

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