The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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Recycling
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Sports entrance exam
University Entrance Exam - SEC Football Player Version (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)
Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY [Well, the name mentions shaking a spear, so (c)?]
Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. [Jacques?]
What language is spoken in France? [Swiss?]
What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic [Italian?]
What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? [Happy hour?]
How many commandments was Moses given? [fifteen, but Mel Brooks dropped one of the tablets.]
Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? [My feet aren't that small]
What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners [Inuit? Eskimo? Lapplander? Elves?]
Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. [Aye, Aye-aye, aye-aye-aye, Ivy, Vee]
Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no [Sure - Photons fast. Matter slow.]
What are coat hangers used for? [Prying things open]
Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky [Sprinklers. Or maybe Spain on the plain]
The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? [McHenry?]
Where is the basement in a three story building located? [Just follow the arrows]
Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin [The groves?]
Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium OR spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. [Y-O-U-R-N-A-M-E]
What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? [The Star Spangled Banner]
You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
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University Entrance Exam - SEC Football Player Version (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)
Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY [Well, the name mentions shaking a spear, so (c)?]
Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. [Jacques?]
What language is spoken in France? [Swiss?]
What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic [Italian?]
What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? [Happy hour?]
How many commandments was Moses given? [fifteen, but Mel Brooks dropped one of the tablets.]
Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? [My feet aren't that small]
What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners [Inuit? Eskimo? Lapplander? Elves?]
Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. [Aye, Aye-aye, aye-aye-aye, Ivy, Vee]
Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no [Sure - Photons fast. Matter slow.]
What are coat hangers used for? [Prying things open]
Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky [Sprinklers. Or maybe Spain on the plain]
The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? [McHenry?]
Where is the basement in a three story building located? [Just follow the arrows]
Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin [The groves?]
Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium OR spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. [Y-O-U-R-N-A-M-E]
What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? [The Star Spangled Banner]
You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
DUMBEST KID IN THE WORLD? I THINK NOT
A young boy entered a barber shop and the barber whispered to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then called the boy over and asked, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer left, he saw the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son!", he said. "I'd like to ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."
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A young boy entered a barber shop and the barber whispered to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then called the boy over and asked, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer left, he saw the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son!", he said. "I'd like to ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."
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lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
SMART Kid........(he must be a 5th grader)
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Yeah, you'd think that guy would just give the kid no quarter!
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Thoughts
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
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Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
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How come wrong numbers are never busy?
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. [But at least pull off before calling anyone about it.]
Does killing time damage eternity? [Sure, but remember time wounds all heels! (Just ask Achilles)]
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? [Cause in the jungle he has lots of close shaves!]
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? [Duck tape it ain't! Quack!]
Why is it that night falls but day breaks? [And if a weather map has fronts, does it also have backs?]
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Does killing time damage eternity? [Sure, but remember time wounds all heels! (Just ask Achilles)]
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? [Cause in the jungle he has lots of close shaves!]
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? [Duck tape it ain't! Quack!]
Why is it that night falls but day breaks? [And if a weather map has fronts, does it also have backs?]
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? [SQUEEK!]
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
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I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? [SQUEEK!]
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
--------------
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lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
good ones. Um.....they could send that water, here (every drop of rain that falls......etc.)
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Two students miss a final exam
Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. Cool, they thought, this is going to be an easy final. They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
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Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. Cool, they thought, this is going to be an easy final. They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
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lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
rut roh! lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
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15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
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lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
And your point? 
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......