quite an answer.....why am I not surprised?Henry J wrote:Oh, it just takes an amount of trowel, sweat, and tears...
(Then duct tape to fix those tears... )
Recycling
- lswot
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lswot
eccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
eccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Re: Recycling
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
Andy Forsythe's wife, refusing to give in to looking her age, went out and bought a new line of expensive cosmetics, guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked her husband, "Andy, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16, and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to give Andy a big slobbery kiss, he stopped her by saying: "Hold on dear, I haven't added them all up yet!" They say that Andy will be back on his feet again in a week or two...
(And he didn't even do the math!)
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Andy Forsythe's wife, refusing to give in to looking her age, went out and bought a new line of expensive cosmetics, guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked her husband, "Andy, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16, and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to give Andy a big slobbery kiss, he stopped her by saying: "Hold on dear, I haven't added them all up yet!" They say that Andy will be back on his feet again in a week or two...
(And he didn't even do the math!)
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Re: Recycling
If it should move but doesn't - WD-40.
If it shouldn't move but does - duct tape.
(And if those don't work, there's always percussive maintenance... )
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If it shouldn't move but does - duct tape.
(And if those don't work, there's always percussive maintenance... )
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Re: Recycling
Elderly Jokes
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
(Sounds like those kids got canned! Or is that conned?)
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A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
(Sounds like those kids got canned! Or is that conned?)
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Re: Recycling
New Supermarket
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
And so on.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
(Don't ask!)
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The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
And so on.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
(Don't ask!)
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- lswot
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Re: Recycling
.....
lswot
eccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
eccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Entertainment Jokes
A frantic woman had dialed 911.
"Police, fire, or ambulance?" asked the operator.
"I want a vet!" demanded the panic-stricken woman.
"A vet?" said the operator in surprise. "What for?"
"To open by bulldog's jaws."
"But why did you call 911?"
"There's a burglar in them."
(Maybe she wasn't feeding it enough?)
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A frantic woman had dialed 911.
"Police, fire, or ambulance?" asked the operator.
"I want a vet!" demanded the panic-stricken woman.
"A vet?" said the operator in surprise. "What for?"
"To open by bulldog's jaws."
"But why did you call 911?"
"There's a burglar in them."
(Maybe she wasn't feeding it enough?)
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Re: Recycling
Scifi Jokes
A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
(I guess that was poetry in motion (they were on a plane, after all), but, Quoth that scientist: "Nevermore!" )
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A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
(I guess that was poetry in motion (they were on a plane, after all), but, Quoth that scientist: "Nevermore!" )
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Re: Recycling
Baby Jokes
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
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Re: Recycling
Men Vs. Women Jokes
It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
(Just as long as all the students were punctual about it, and weren't simply waking up from a comma... )
(On second thought, I think I resemble one of those remarks... )
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It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
(Just as long as all the students were punctual about it, and weren't simply waking up from a comma... )
(On second thought, I think I resemble one of those remarks... )
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Re: Recycling
Here in New Mexico an entrepreneur is building a space-port, from which tourists will be able board a space ship and circumnavigate the earth. Before human passengers are accepted, he plans to test the ship by putting 100 goats into orbit.
If successful, that experiment will forever be referred to as "the herd shot around the world."
(Baa-a-a-a-a! )
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If successful, that experiment will forever be referred to as "the herd shot around the world."
(Baa-a-a-a-a! )
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- Xjmt
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Re: Recycling
Henry J wrote:Here in New Mexico an entrepreneur is building a space-port, from which tourists will be able board a space ship and circumnavigate the earth. Before human passengers are accepted, he plans to test the ship by putting 100 goats into orbit.
If successful, that experiment will forever be referred to as "the herd shot around the world."
(Baa-a-a-a-a! )
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Re: Recycling
Pun of the Day
Ski vacations start on a high but go down hill from there.
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Ski vacations start on a high but go down hill from there.
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Re: Recycling
Question / Answer Jokes
Q: "Why couldn't the Indian get into his teepee?
A: He had no reservations
(Howz about a wigwam, then?)
BTW: When Indians installed electric lights in their outhouses, it was the first time somebody wired a head for a reservation.
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Q: "Why couldn't the Indian get into his teepee?
A: He had no reservations
(Howz about a wigwam, then?)
BTW: When Indians installed electric lights in their outhouses, it was the first time somebody wired a head for a reservation.
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Re: Recycling
Gator fan calls 9-1-1, says "We had a wreck and my wife needs an ambulance."
The operator says "Yes sir, can you tell us where you are?"
Gator fan says "Eucalyptus Street."
She says "Can you spell that?"
She hears some grunting and huffing and cursing... then he comes back on the phone "Okay so she's on Elm Avenue..."
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The operator says "Yes sir, can you tell us where you are?"
Gator fan says "Eucalyptus Street."
She says "Can you spell that?"
She hears some grunting and huffing and cursing... then he comes back on the phone "Okay so she's on Elm Avenue..."
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