Recycling

[Henry J]

(Continued from 2 1/2 weeks ago)

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[Henry J]

Riddle:

Schwartzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use his.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?

Answer tomorrow!
(Unless I forget! )

[Henry J]

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

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Oh, the answer to yesterday's riddle:

.
.
.

"A Last Name."

[Henry J]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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Oh my!

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[Henry J]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her but since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap, and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time. the next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!

Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."

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(Oh hush, I just forward them, I don't write them.)

topper

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[Henry J]

Murphy showed up at Mass on Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said: "Murphy, I'm so glad you are here, what made you come?"

Murphy said: "I got to be honest with ya Father. A while back I misplaced me hat and I really, really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn has a hat just like it and that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday so I was going to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said: Well, Murphy, I see that you didn't steal his hat, what made you change your mind?"

Murphy said: "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided I didn't need to steal his hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: "After I talked about "thou Shall Not Steal" you decided to live without the hat rather than burn in Hell?"

Murphy shook his head and said: "No Father, after you talked about "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery", I remembered where I left me hat!!"

[Henry J]

CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who run in front of car get tired.

[Henry J]

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

[Henry J]

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

[Henry J]

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

[Henry J]

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

[Henry J]

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

[Henry J]

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

[Henry J]

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

(Meow?)

[Henry J]

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.