Recycling

[Henry J]

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

[Henry J]

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

[Henry J]

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

[Henry J]

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

[Henry J]

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

[Henry J]

CHINESE PROVERBS

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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[Henry J]

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume that you are already doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAKS:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor's, you are able to come to work.

REST-ROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest-room. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

SURGERY:

As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

[Henry J]

Two fish were swimming upstream and ran into a concrete wall. One looks at the other and says, "Dam"!!

[Henry J]

A "visitor" to the insane asylum asked a doctor what exactly was the criteria they used to determine if a patient needs to be in the asylum or not.

The doctor explained, "Well, first we fill a bathtub up with water. Then we show them a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket and ask them which one they would use to empty out the tub".

The visitor nodding responded," Oh, Okay I understand... a normal person would use the bucket".

The doctor gave the "visitor" a sympathetic look and said," No, no, no no.... a normal person would pull the plug. Now, isn't it about time for your meds"?

[Henry J]

A police officer pulled over this driver for speeding. As he approached the driver he noticed a large collection of knives, swords and machetes in the back seat.

Placing his hand on his firearm he asked the driver to step out of the vehicle.

The Officer asked the driver about the weopons in his car and the driver explained that he was a performer and had a juggling act.

Being skeptical the officer told the driver,"If you can juggle these knives and swords, I'll let you off the hook with a warning".

The driver got a bunch of knives and machetes and began flipping and spinning them in the air with the greatest of ease. Behind his back and between his legs he juggled like a professional.

As this was going on a couple driving by watched what was going on. The husband turned to his wife and said, "Look honey, its a good thing I gave up drinking, see the sobriety test they're giving these days".

[Henry J]

Another hotel guest was complaining about an alarm clock going off in the next room. The guest was upset because he was trying to get some sleep after a long flight and the beeping sound coming from the next room was preventing him from falling asleep. I listened for the alarm and heard a faint beeping sound coming from the wall next to the bed. I checked the next room and found it vacant and quiet. I returned to the guest's room and listened again and could still hear the beeping sound coming from the wall. I moved closer to the wall and found that the beeping sound was coming from the guest's suitcase which was next to the wall. I asked him if he had anything in his suitcase that has an alarm. He opened up his suitcase and found that it was his travel clock alarm that was making the beeping sound. It wasn't a proud moment for him.

(Oops!}

[Henry J]

Okay? "Would you believe"? (Maxwell Smart)

A woman was going over her last will and testament with her pastor and told him about her last two dying wishes. The first one was that she be cremated. The second one was that her ashes be spread over Walmart.

"Walmart"? the Pastor questioned.

The woman replied,"Yes, that way I'll know that my daughters will visit me twice a week".

[Henry J]

Recently, there was a cancellation of a Delta Airlines flight out of JFK. The long line of passengers were being rescheduled by a single ticket agent. One man pushed his way through the line up to the ticket counter and slammed his ticket on the counter saying,"I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND"?!!

The ticket agent politely told him,"Yes sir, I'm sure I'll be able to help you. However, I will be assisting these other passengers first".

Infuriated by her calm demeanor the man yelled,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM"?!!

The ticket agent grabbed the microphone and made an announcement over the PA system:"May I have your attention please?, we have a passenger at gate 6 who doesn't know who he is. If anyone knows his identity please report to gate 6".

The other passengers in line began laughing. The irate ticket holder looked at the ticket agent and said,"F...YOU"!!!

The ticket agent calmly replied,"I'm sorry Sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too".

[Henry J]

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that.

For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

topper

(Okay, but did he win the Darwin Award for that year? )

[Henry J]

Isn't this poetic? (Yes, no, or GROAN)

Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so. Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curveball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike. His changeup made the best hitters in the league cry -- they would swing, drop the bat, and stare incredulously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt. He was indeed awesome!

Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame? Why haven't you ever heard of him? Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was demon alcohol. Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until ...

The Braves and the Yankees were in the World Series! Excitement reigned! The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game. The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He snuck out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer. As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good. But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him. Eight straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series.

After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me", he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"? In unison they replied,

"It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!

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