Recycling

[Henry J]

*****
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

*****

[Henry J]

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

*****

Henry

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we're having, hun?"
Moses took one look at the President, turned and ran in the other direction. The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again, he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert."

(Well that explains his sudden Exodus on seeing that talking Shrub, huh! )

*****

Henry

[lswot]

and NO I didn't hurt my eyeballs.

[Henry J]

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age, experience, and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time!

*****

[lswot]

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman said.

The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken," the officer asked.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

*****

[Henry J]

Question: Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Answer: Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

(Well, Frankly speaking, hot dog!)

*****

[lswot]

(for the driving on 119)

[Henry J]

Yeah, they weren't just putting, they were driving!

[lswot]

[Henry J]

Home » Politically Incorrect » Root

Excuse Me

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"

The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?

*****

[Henry J]

The story is told of a young Czechoslovakian man, a Russian officer, a little old lady, and an attractive young woman riding on a train.

Shortly after the train entered a dark tunnel, the passengers heard a kiss, then a loud slap.

The young woman thought: "Isn't that odd the Russian tried to kiss the old lady and not me?"

The old lady thought: "That is a good girl with fine morals."

The Russian officer thought: "That Czech is a smart fellow; he steals a kiss and I get slapped."

The Czeck thought: "Perfect. I kiss the back of my hand, clout a Russian officer, and get away with it."

*****

Henry