===============================================
A Teenager is
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
===============================================
Newest son-in-law A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family, said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise. I see," replied the father-in-law. Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.
I hate office work, said the son-on-law. I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.
Wait a minute, said the father-in-law. I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?
Easy, said the young man. Buy me out.
At the public pool The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
Everyone knows, the mother lectured him, that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.
Oh really? said the lifeguard, from the diving board!?
===============================================
Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed.
===============================================
(Or, if ya like sausage, expect the wurst, instead.)
===============================================
Henry
Recycling
-
brian
- Site Admin
- Posts:8328
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 8:07 am
- Location:Orlando, Florida
- Contact:
PONDERABLES
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Or watch a white thing come out a chicken's behind and think, "that ought to taste good."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped buy the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog 's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Or watch a white thing come out a chicken's behind and think, "that ought to taste good."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped buy the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog 's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
-
lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
guilty as charged.
lswot-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
=========================================
Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument an exchange of ignorance.
Nothing succeeds like address.
Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
We only do well the things we like doing.
The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
Brevity is the soul of wit.
Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.
Incompetents invariably make trouble for people other than themselves.
Living in a vacuum sucks.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
=========================================
Henry
Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument an exchange of ignorance.
Nothing succeeds like address.
Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
We only do well the things we like doing.
The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
Brevity is the soul of wit.
Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.
Incompetents invariably make trouble for people other than themselves.
Living in a vacuum sucks.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
=========================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
==============================================
Subject: Fw: SINGING IN CHURCH
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE" The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little 87 year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
Pass this along and make some one smile today. I know I just did!
GOTTA LOVE THOSE LITTLE OLD LADIES
Roger Stegman
==============================================
----- Original Message -----
Subject: Great Quick meal for those busy artist.
BAKED & STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn
(ORVILLE REDENBACHER)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.
When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the Chicken flies across the room, it is done.
And you thought I couldn't cook...
Doni
Roger Stegman
==============================================
Henry
Subject: Fw: SINGING IN CHURCH
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE" The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little 87 year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
Pass this along and make some one smile today. I know I just did!
GOTTA LOVE THOSE LITTLE OLD LADIES
Roger Stegman
==============================================
----- Original Message -----
Subject: Great Quick meal for those busy artist.
BAKED & STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn
(ORVILLE REDENBACHER)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.
When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the Chicken flies across the room, it is done.
And you thought I couldn't cook...
Doni
Roger Stegman
==============================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
------------------------------------
The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
All great truths begin as blasphemies.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate!
------------------------------------
Jokes of the day
Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date.
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
Question and answer
Q: How do you scare a man? A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? A: Women working at 900 numbers.
Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner? A: In the pages of a romance novel.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift? A: Exchange him.
Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? A: No phone numbers.
Q: Why do men like smart women? A: Opposites attract.
------------------------------------
Henry
The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
All great truths begin as blasphemies.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate!
------------------------------------
Jokes of the day
Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date.
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
Question and answer
Q: How do you scare a man? A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? A: Women working at 900 numbers.
Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner? A: In the pages of a romance novel.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift? A: Exchange him.
Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? A: No phone numbers.
Q: Why do men like smart women? A: Opposites attract.
------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
---------------------------------------
Jokes of the day
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
---------------------------------------
Jokes of the day
History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's wrong with history.
The only way to have a friend is to be one.
Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Marriage: a long conversation chequered by disputes.
Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
The essence of intelligence is skill in extracting meaning from everyday experience.
Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
Now let me explain why this makes intuitive sense.
God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
Contemporaneous exposition is in general the best.
Someone's boring me. I think it's me.
I'm a scientist; nothing shocks me.
For NASA, space is still a high priority.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
---------------------------------------
Henry
Jokes of the day
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
---------------------------------------
Jokes of the day
History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's wrong with history.
The only way to have a friend is to be one.
Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Marriage: a long conversation chequered by disputes.
Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
The essence of intelligence is skill in extracting meaning from everyday experience.
Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
Now let me explain why this makes intuitive sense.
God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
Contemporaneous exposition is in general the best.
Someone's boring me. I think it's me.
I'm a scientist; nothing shocks me.
For NASA, space is still a high priority.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
---------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
-------------------------------------------
Overheard by bartenders:
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
M: "Is this seat empty?"
W: "Yeah, and this one will be too if you sit down."
M: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
W: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
M: "Your place or mine?"
W: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
M: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
W: "It's in the phone book."
M: "But I don't know your name."
W: "That's in the phone book too."
M: "So, what do you do for a living?"
W: "I'm a female impersonator."
M: "What sign were you born under?"
W: "No Parking."
M: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
W: "STOP"
M: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
W: "Unfertilized."
M: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
W: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
M: "I know how to please a woman."
W: "Then please leave me alone."
M: "I want to give myself to you."
W: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
M: "I can tell that you want me."
W: "Oooohh. You are sooo right. I want you to leave."
M: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
W: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
M: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
W: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
M: "Your body is like a temple."
W: "Sorry, there are no services today."
M: "I'd go through anything for you."
W: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
M: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
W: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
-------------------------------------------
Henry
Overheard by bartenders:
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
M: "Is this seat empty?"
W: "Yeah, and this one will be too if you sit down."
M: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
W: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
M: "Your place or mine?"
W: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
M: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
W: "It's in the phone book."
M: "But I don't know your name."
W: "That's in the phone book too."
M: "So, what do you do for a living?"
W: "I'm a female impersonator."
M: "What sign were you born under?"
W: "No Parking."
M: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
W: "STOP"
M: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
W: "Unfertilized."
M: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
W: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
M: "I know how to please a woman."
W: "Then please leave me alone."
M: "I want to give myself to you."
W: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
M: "I can tell that you want me."
W: "Oooohh. You are sooo right. I want you to leave."
M: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
W: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
M: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
W: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
M: "Your body is like a temple."
W: "Sorry, there are no services today."
M: "I'd go through anything for you."
W: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
M: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
W: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
-------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
-------------------------------------
One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
-------------------------------------
A superstition is a premature explanation that overstays its time.
It's an ill wind that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
I rely on my personality for birth control.
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Make sure you have finished speaking before your audience has finished listening.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
Science is nothing but trained and organized common sense.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
-------------------------------------
Henry
One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
-------------------------------------
A superstition is a premature explanation that overstays its time.
It's an ill wind that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
I rely on my personality for birth control.
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Make sure you have finished speaking before your audience has finished listening.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
Science is nothing but trained and organized common sense.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
-------------------------------------
Henry
-
brian
- Site Admin
- Posts:8328
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 8:07 am
- Location:Orlando, Florida
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7 reasons not to mess with children:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Then why are ALL of grandma's hairs white?"
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
*************************************
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
*************************************
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
*************************************
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Then why are ALL of grandma's hairs white?"
*************************************
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
*************************************
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
*************************************
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt