Recycling

[Henry J]

When Sharon Johnson arrived for her daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling Sharon that her little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."

"I don't understand that," replied Mrs. Johnson defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"

The teacher went on to reassure her that her daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."
*******
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
********
My wife and I often take car trips to the U.S. from our home in Canada. Since my wife's family lives in the U.S. we often find ourselves returning home with gifts we've received for birthdays or other holidays...

This past Christmas holiday season we were stopped at the border, where the guard asked me the value of any goods we had to claim.

I paused to think of the value of everything that we had with us.

"Never mind," the guard said, "what's the most expensive thing in your car?"

Without hesitation, I replied, "My wife."
*********

Henry

[brian]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly
shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[brian]

A DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)

WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

WIFE: ---silence--

HUSBAND: <oops>

[Henry J]

*******

Subject: Since the beginning of time...

God said, "Go down into that valley."

And Adam said, "What's a valley?"

And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river"
And Adam said "What's a river?"
And God explained it to him. HE then said, "Go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What's a hill?"
And God explained it to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?"
And God explained that to him and said, "In the cave you will find woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, And said "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
So God explained it to him. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

*******

Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested.

Susie was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank".

With just a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy".

*******

Henry

[lswot]

These are great!

[Henry J]

*******

It's official: Rap music does cause crime. Research shows that in over half the shootings that occur on the street, the gunman is aiming at the boom box.

*******

A guy walks into a drug store and says to the pharmacist, "Give me some acetylsalicylic acid will you?"

The pharmacist looks at the man and says, "Oh, you mean Aspirin, sir?"

The guy says, "Yeah, that's it. I can never think of the name!"

*******

This guy walks into this bar, and he says to the Chinese bartender "Give me a Stoli".

And the Chinese bartender says, "Once upon a time, there were these three little pigs..."

*******

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes. . .and my Mom says it's a (censored) to iron."

*******

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said,"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

*******

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

Hey, somebody censored one of them!

[brian]

Not I. I thought you did that yourself.

[Henry J]

Things to do While Downloading
----------------
Buff your mouse pad
Make a list of things to download
Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem
Count to 500 in "click" language
Go outside and actually breathe fresh air
Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter

11% DONE!

Name the presidents

Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one
Re-lace your shoes

Read every classified listing for "programmers"
Carefully clean your mouse rollers and track ball
Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection

23% DONE!

Fill out all your registration cards in triplicate
Alphabetize your diskettes
Alphabetize your CD-ROMs
Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs together

32% DONE!

Cut your fingernails
See how many words you can make from "download"
Make a sculpture out of your fingernail clippings
Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side two
Time to Windex that monitor again!

42% DONE!

Might as well balance the old checkbook
Practice the "rubber pencil" routine
Weed out the rolodex
Buff the mouse pad -- oops, already did that!
French Braid (optional)

52% DONE!

"This would be a good time to register your software"
Re-kid proof the butane lighter
Solitaire
Solitaire round 2
Solitaire round 3 (no cheating this time)

65% DONE!

Think of good domain names to pre-buy
Pursue the Egghead mailer again

67% DONE!

RE-label file folders in all caps
Penny rolls, Penny rolls, penny rolls

73% DONE!

Color code your extra cables

78% DONE!

Find all celebrities that share your birth date

83% DONE!

Nerf basketball to 100!

94% DONE!

100 sit-ups

98% DONE!

Get ready.....
Connection Terminated - Start over!

Find a pistol.....

*******

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

********

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

********

Life Reflections

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel sooo good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth.
Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

********

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married.
I don't want to start any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

********

Henry

[lswot]

Maybe I should print this out and use some of these as my 'sign off' every now and again.

"If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. "
8)

[Henry J]

********

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the Mrs.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbors."

"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs" he shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down

"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"

*******

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

"I will if those useless sh1t heads at the lumberyard ever bring us the d@mn bricks", replied the little girl.

*********

A kindhearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

********

Henry

[Henry J]

********
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
*********

Henry