*****
A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.
Included in the survival gear that they give him, much to his surprise, is a martini kit.
When he asks why he's receiving a martini kit, he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you're going to remember your martini kit. You're going to get it out and start making one and before you know it you're going to have somebody looking over your shoulder saying, 'That's not the correct way to make a martini!'"
*****
The owner of a golf course in Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Virginia Tech and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000,minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
*****
This is indeed a typical case on information flow:
Memo from CEO to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, and as usual it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.
*****
Henry
Recycling
lswot-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.
Herbert Spencer
*****
Socrates' Triple-Filter Test
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple-Filter Test."
"Triple-Filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right, enough," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was boinking his wife.
*****
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled
"You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"
"What for?" the mad scientist asked.
And the policemans answer was:
For making an obscene clone fall.
*****
Henry
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.
Herbert Spencer
*****
Socrates' Triple-Filter Test
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple-Filter Test."
"Triple-Filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right, enough," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was boinking his wife.
*****
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled
"You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"
"What for?" the mad scientist asked.
And the policemans answer was:
For making an obscene clone fall.
*****
Henry
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
Nothing unites the english like war. Nothing divides them like Picasso.
Hugh Mills
*****
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
Then there was the saw mill worker who accidentally backed into his saw.
(He got a little behind in his work.)
----
News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
(Both crews were marooned.)
*****
Nothing endures but change.
Heraclitus
*****
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
*****
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
*****
Never mistake motion for action.
Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
*****
When good old Chief Shortcake died, the whole tribe mourned and the lamentations of his faithful squaw were heard for miles around. Neighboring chiefs arrived in full pomp and ceremony and announced, "We come to make funeral for Chief Shortcake."
"Not on your life," announced his widow, ..."Squaw bury Shortcake!"
*****
Henry
Nothing unites the english like war. Nothing divides them like Picasso.
Hugh Mills
*****
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
Then there was the saw mill worker who accidentally backed into his saw.
(He got a little behind in his work.)
----
News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
(Both crews were marooned.)
*****
Nothing endures but change.
Heraclitus
*****
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
*****
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
*****
Never mistake motion for action.
Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
*****
When good old Chief Shortcake died, the whole tribe mourned and the lamentations of his faithful squaw were heard for miles around. Neighboring chiefs arrived in full pomp and ceremony and announced, "We come to make funeral for Chief Shortcake."
"Not on your life," announced his widow, ..."Squaw bury Shortcake!"
*****
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
______Press Release from the Future______
Today, independent researchers and developers announced the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK).
The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected, switched on, or recharged. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a floppy disc. Here's how it works...
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting though, like other display devices, it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform.
Look for a flood of new titles soon.
*****
Henry
______Press Release from the Future______
Today, independent researchers and developers announced the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK).
The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected, switched on, or recharged. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a floppy disc. Here's how it works...
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting though, like other display devices, it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform.
Look for a flood of new titles soon.
*****
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
No stream rises higher than its source.
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
*****
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's because" the sales lady says. "divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's..."
*****
Henry
No stream rises higher than its source.
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
*****
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's because" the sales lady says. "divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's..."
*****
Henry
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brian
- Site Admin
- Posts:8328
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 8:07 am
- Location:Orlando, Florida
- Contact:
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable."
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable."
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Xjmt
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13815
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 6:13 am
- Location:Ohio
If it was about guys you'd think it was hysterical wouldn't you! 
In fact check out Donahoo's sites. At least I'm pretty sure it's her. Under the heading (something like "Aging Women" ) she has far sharper comments posted. When I passed them along I felt necessary to mention that the comments came from a web site run by a female.
In fact check out Donahoo's sites. At least I'm pretty sure it's her. Under the heading (something like "Aging Women" ) she has far sharper comments posted. When I passed them along I felt necessary to mention that the comments came from a web site run by a female.
-
brian
- Site Admin
- Posts:8328
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 8:07 am
- Location:Orlando, Florida
- Contact:
-
brian
- Site Admin
- Posts:8328
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 8:07 am
- Location:Orlando, Florida
- Contact:
Here we go...
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt