Recycling

[Henry J]

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WHY!?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

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Henry

[Henry J]

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Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things get worse.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

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Help stamp out, eliminate, and irradicate unncessary superfluous redundancy. Also eschew obfuscation.

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Henry

[trucker2000]

Those are good.

[Xjmt]

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving

Especially if the lips are those of a politician.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things get worse.

The slap is the only thing fundamentalists agree on as being useful.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

I feel the same way about religion and fetish. :preach:

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Because there is absolutely no way of knowing the batteries are low so we just assume a bad connection within the remote.

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Not the bottles I've had to put up with.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Genetic problems.

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Radio headsets contained within.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

When you point your fingers at some one else you have three more fingers pointing back at you!

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously

That's the PC that politics created.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

OTOOH everybody thinks everybody else is crazy!

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

They're here to prove Intelligent Design is a real scientific theory.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

Now who would be silly enough to wait that late in life??

[Henry J]

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Bubba and Jimmy Joe

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,

but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

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Henry

[lswot]

Guy (let's call him Bubba) is out hunting in the woods....a naked woman jumps out from behind a tree. Bubba asks, "Are you game?" and she says "Yes!", so he shoots her.

[Henry J]

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Actually Taken From Classified Ads

In Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

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FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

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FREE PUPPIES.. Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free

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FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be a reward.

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COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale

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NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

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GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

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NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once

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JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

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(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition! ! $1,000 ! or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

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Henry

[lswot]

(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition! ! $1,000 ! or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

And some of those smarts rolled off on the man that wrote this.

ie: smart enough to have married her!

[Henry J]

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>> >
>> > The computer swallowed grandma.
>> > Yes, honestly it's true.
>> > She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
>> > And disappeared from view.
>> >
>> > It devoured her completely,
>> > The thought just makes me squirm.
>> > She must have caught a virus
>> > Or been eaten by a worm.
>> >
>> > I've searched through the recycle bin
>> > And files of every kind;
>> > I've even used the Internet,
>> > But nothing did I find.
>> >
>> > In desperation, I asked Jeeves
>> > My searches to refine.
>> > The reply from him was negative,
>> > Not a thing was found 'online.'
>> >
>> > So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
>> > My Grandma you should see,
>> > Please 'Copy,' 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
>> > And send her back to me!
>> >
>> > -- Author Unknown

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Henry

[lswot]

It's Alive! It's Alive

[Henry J]

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Life After Death:
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

Palm Sunday:
It was palm sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by" said the mother.
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday i don't go, he shows up".

Children's Sermon:
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, what's in here?
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed - "pantyhose!"

Support A Family:
The prospective father-in-law asked, "young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.

First Time Ushers:
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me daddy. I'm under five."

Prayers:
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"no sir," he replied, "we don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"

Climb The Walls:
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side.
"Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit" the little boy answered.

The Mood Ring:
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When i'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

The Water Pistol:
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you - Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns."

Mom smiled and then replied "I remember."

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Henry

[Henry J]

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HELPFUL HOUSE CLEANING HINTS

Windows:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs:
Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?"
(Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations.)

Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.

Another favorite,

I think from Erma Bombeck

Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

topper

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Henry

[Henry J]

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Murphy showed up at Mass on Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said: "Murphy, I'm so glad you are here, what made you come?"

Murphy said: "I got to be honest with ya Father. A while back I misplaced me hat and I really, really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn has a hat just like it and that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday so I was going to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said: Well, Murphy, I see that you didn't steal his hat, what made you change your mind?"

Murphy said: "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided I didn't need to steal his hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: "After I talked about "thou Shall Not Steal" you decided to live without the hat rather than burn in Hell?"

Murphy shook his head and said: "No Father, after you talked about "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultry", I remembered where I left me hat!!"

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Some pet peeves (though why anybody'd want to keep a peeve as a pet, is beyond me - what would it eat?):

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where is yours?

When people say "life is short." What?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here?

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Henry

[Henry J]

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Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

--rstegman

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Henry

[brian]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Ozark Christian College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words,"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Louisville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."