Recycling
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her but since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap, and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time. the next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!
Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."
She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."
(Oh hush, I just forward them, I don't write them.)
topper
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Two fish were swimming upstream and ran into a concrete wall. One looks at the other and says,"Dam"!!
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Okay? "Would you believe"? (Maxwell Smart) A woman was going over her last will and testament with her pastor and told him about her last two dying wishes. The first one was that she be cremated. The second one was that her ashes be spread over Walmart.
"Walmart"? the Pastor questioned.
The woman replied,"Yes, that way I'll know that my daughters will visit me twice a week".
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A "visitor" to the insane asylum asked a doctor what exactly was the criteria they used to determine if a patient needs to be in the asylum or not.
The doctor explained,"Well, first we fill a bathtub up with water. Then we show them a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket and ask them which one they would use to empty out the tub".
The visitor nodding responded," Oh, Okay I understand... a normal person would use the bucket".
The doctor gave the "visitor" a sympathetic look and said," No, no, no no.... a normal person would pull the plug. Now, isn't it about time for your meds"?
-----------------------
Henry
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her but since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap, and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time. the next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!
Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."
She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."
(Oh hush, I just forward them, I don't write them.)
topper
-----------------------
Two fish were swimming upstream and ran into a concrete wall. One looks at the other and says,"Dam"!!
-----------------------
Okay? "Would you believe"? (Maxwell Smart) A woman was going over her last will and testament with her pastor and told him about her last two dying wishes. The first one was that she be cremated. The second one was that her ashes be spread over Walmart.
"Walmart"? the Pastor questioned.
The woman replied,"Yes, that way I'll know that my daughters will visit me twice a week".
-----------------------
A "visitor" to the insane asylum asked a doctor what exactly was the criteria they used to determine if a patient needs to be in the asylum or not.
The doctor explained,"Well, first we fill a bathtub up with water. Then we show them a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket and ask them which one they would use to empty out the tub".
The visitor nodding responded," Oh, Okay I understand... a normal person would use the bucket".
The doctor gave the "visitor" a sympathetic look and said," No, no, no no.... a normal person would pull the plug. Now, isn't it about time for your meds"?
-----------------------
Henry
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
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While working in the hotel I came upon some Japanese tourists up on one of the floors. They appeared to be having problems getting into their room. Not being able to speak Japanese I attempted to assist them. They spoke to me in Japanese as they tried to open the hotel room door with the plastic card key. I watched as they placed the key in the lock and unsuccessfully tried to turn the door handle. They did it several times each time sticking the key in leaving it in, watching the lock and waiting for it to open. It didn't. I told them that they have to pull the key out and motioned a pulling out movement as I said "pull out" (not knowing the Japanese words for 'pull out'). They tilted their heads as if they were trying to understand me but were unable to. Finally I just grabbed the key put it in the lock and pulled it out and the door opened. Their eyes widened and their jaws dropped and they made a sound as if they just witnessed a miracle. They then proceeded to bow to me very deeply. I returned the bow, but not so deep.
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Another hotel guest was complaining about an alarm clock going off in the next room. The guest was upset because he was trying to get some sleep after a long flight and the beeping sound coming from the next room was preventing him from falling asleep. I listened for the alarm and heard a faint beeping sound coming from the wall next to the bed. I checked the next room and found it vacant and quiet. I returned to the guest's room and listened again and could still hear the beeping sound coming from the wall. I moved closer to the wall and found that the beeping sound was coming from the guest's suitcase which was next to the wall. I asked him if he had anything in his suitcase that has an alarm. He opened up his suitcase and found that it was his travel clock alarm that was making the beeping sound. It wasn't a proud moment for him.
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Recently, there was a cancellation of a Delta Airlines flight out of JFK. The long line of passengers were being rescheduled by a single ticket agent. One man pushed his way through the line up to the ticket counter and slammed his ticket on the counter saying,"I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND"?!!
The ticket agent politely told him,"Yes sir, I'm sure I'll be able to help you. However, I will be assisting these other passengers first".
Infuriated by her calm demeanor the man yelled,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM"?!!
The ticket agent grabbed the microphone and made an announcement over the PA system:"May I have your attention please?, we have a passenger at gate 6 who doesn't know who he is. If anyone knows his identity please report to gate 6".
The other passengers in line began laughing. The irate ticket holder looked at the ticket agent and said,"F...YOU"!!!
The ticket agent calmly replied,"I'm sorry Sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too".
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A police officer pulled over this driver for speeding. As he approached the driver he noticed a large collection of knives, swords and machetes in the back seat.
Placing his hand on his firearm he asked the driver to step out of the vehicle.
The Officer asked the driver about the weopons in his car and the driver explained that he was a performer and had a juggling act.
Being skeptical the officer told the driver,"If you can juggle these knives and swords, I'll let you off the hook with a warning".
The driver got a bunch of knives and machetes and began flipping and spinning them in the air with the greatest of ease. Behind his back and between his legs he juggled like a professional.
As this was going on a couple driving by watched what was going on. The husband turned to his wife and said,"Look honey, its a good thing I gave up drinking, see the sobriety test they're giving these days".
------------------------
Henry
While working in the hotel I came upon some Japanese tourists up on one of the floors. They appeared to be having problems getting into their room. Not being able to speak Japanese I attempted to assist them. They spoke to me in Japanese as they tried to open the hotel room door with the plastic card key. I watched as they placed the key in the lock and unsuccessfully tried to turn the door handle. They did it several times each time sticking the key in leaving it in, watching the lock and waiting for it to open. It didn't. I told them that they have to pull the key out and motioned a pulling out movement as I said "pull out" (not knowing the Japanese words for 'pull out'). They tilted their heads as if they were trying to understand me but were unable to. Finally I just grabbed the key put it in the lock and pulled it out and the door opened. Their eyes widened and their jaws dropped and they made a sound as if they just witnessed a miracle. They then proceeded to bow to me very deeply. I returned the bow, but not so deep.
------------------------
Another hotel guest was complaining about an alarm clock going off in the next room. The guest was upset because he was trying to get some sleep after a long flight and the beeping sound coming from the next room was preventing him from falling asleep. I listened for the alarm and heard a faint beeping sound coming from the wall next to the bed. I checked the next room and found it vacant and quiet. I returned to the guest's room and listened again and could still hear the beeping sound coming from the wall. I moved closer to the wall and found that the beeping sound was coming from the guest's suitcase which was next to the wall. I asked him if he had anything in his suitcase that has an alarm. He opened up his suitcase and found that it was his travel clock alarm that was making the beeping sound. It wasn't a proud moment for him.
------------------------
Recently, there was a cancellation of a Delta Airlines flight out of JFK. The long line of passengers were being rescheduled by a single ticket agent. One man pushed his way through the line up to the ticket counter and slammed his ticket on the counter saying,"I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND"?!!
The ticket agent politely told him,"Yes sir, I'm sure I'll be able to help you. However, I will be assisting these other passengers first".
Infuriated by her calm demeanor the man yelled,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM"?!!
The ticket agent grabbed the microphone and made an announcement over the PA system:"May I have your attention please?, we have a passenger at gate 6 who doesn't know who he is. If anyone knows his identity please report to gate 6".
The other passengers in line began laughing. The irate ticket holder looked at the ticket agent and said,"F...YOU"!!!
The ticket agent calmly replied,"I'm sorry Sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too".
------------------------
A police officer pulled over this driver for speeding. As he approached the driver he noticed a large collection of knives, swords and machetes in the back seat.
Placing his hand on his firearm he asked the driver to step out of the vehicle.
The Officer asked the driver about the weopons in his car and the driver explained that he was a performer and had a juggling act.
Being skeptical the officer told the driver,"If you can juggle these knives and swords, I'll let you off the hook with a warning".
The driver got a bunch of knives and machetes and began flipping and spinning them in the air with the greatest of ease. Behind his back and between his legs he juggled like a professional.
As this was going on a couple driving by watched what was going on. The husband turned to his wife and said,"Look honey, its a good thing I gave up drinking, see the sobriety test they're giving these days".
------------------------
Henry
lswot-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
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A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
He did just that.
For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
topper
(Okay, but did he win the Darwin Award for that year?
)
---------------------------------------
Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so. Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curveball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike. His changeup made the best hitters in the league cry -- they would swing, drop the bat, and stare incredulously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt. He was indeed awesome!
Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame? Why haven't you ever heard of him? Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was demon alcohol. Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until ...
The Braves and the Yankees were in the World Series! Excitement reigned! The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game. The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He snuck out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer. As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good. But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him. Eight straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series.
After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me", he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"? In unison they replied,
"It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!
Henry
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Henry
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
He did just that.
For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
topper
(Okay, but did he win the Darwin Award for that year?
)---------------------------------------
Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so. Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curveball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike. His changeup made the best hitters in the league cry -- they would swing, drop the bat, and stare incredulously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt. He was indeed awesome!
Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame? Why haven't you ever heard of him? Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was demon alcohol. Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until ...
The Braves and the Yankees were in the World Series! Excitement reigned! The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game. The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He snuck out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer. As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good. But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him. Eight straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series.
After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me", he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"? In unison they replied,
"It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!
Henry
---------------------------------------
Henry
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brian
- Site Admin
- Posts:8328
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 8:07 am
- Location:Orlando, Florida
- Contact:
This one may have been recycled before. At least, I know I've seen it somewhere before:
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly,the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify Me.
"The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I wantto know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
"The Lord replied,"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring, the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off their habits and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project there is a knock at the door.
" Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man" replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The nuns look at each other and shrug. Deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they
open the door.
"Uh, hi there" says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
Mary
(Oh, I see - said the blind man to his sister?)
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Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose head gear partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, "why don't you go to hell... there aren't any nuns there."
DianeZ
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Okay, that's enough nunsense for one day.
------------------------------
Henry
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring, the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off their habits and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project there is a knock at the door.
" Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man" replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The nuns look at each other and shrug. Deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they
open the door.
"Uh, hi there" says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
Mary
(Oh, I see - said the blind man to his sister?)
------------------------------
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose head gear partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, "why don't you go to hell... there aren't any nuns there."
DianeZ
------------------------------
Okay, that's enough nunsense for one day.
------------------------------
Henry
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
==================================================
The Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree!
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.
Author Unknown
==================================================
Henry
The Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree!
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.
Author Unknown
==================================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
=========================================
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say's hello.
He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She said "no, I'm your son's math teacher."
=========================================
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
=========================================
The Texas preacher "Father Marty" rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"
topper
=========================================
Henry
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say's hello.
He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She said "no, I'm your son's math teacher."
=========================================
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
=========================================
The Texas preacher "Father Marty" rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"
topper
=========================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
======================================
ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Count every "F" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
How many?
3?
4?
How about 6?
So how many did YOU count?
Let's see it! Let us know.
Henry
P.S. I counted 3.
======================================
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south.
They decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendent noticed they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through the baggage?" she asked.
"No thanks." replied the vultures.
"They're carrion."
Dreamie
======================================
Henry
ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Count every "F" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
How many?
3?
4?
How about 6?
So how many did YOU count?
Let's see it! Let us know.
Henry
P.S. I counted 3.
======================================
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south.
They decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendent noticed they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through the baggage?" she asked.
"No thanks." replied the vultures.
"They're carrion."
Dreamie======================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
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If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science
Exam Answers.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
=====================================
Henry
If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science
Exam Answers.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
=====================================
Henry
-
brian
- Site Admin
- Posts:8328
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 8:07 am
- Location:Orlando, Florida
- Contact:
The latest kids' joke I've heard:
(Except "chill" is a new twist on the classic. LOL!)
Everything old is new again...A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office.
He says, "I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam!"
The psychiatrist responds, "You need to chill. You're two tents."
(Except "chill" is a new twist on the classic. LOL!)
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt