Jokes

[Henry J]

Are you saying the deja vu isn't what it used it be?

[AnneB]

I hope you guys are ready for this one.

Proof The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Do they look different reversed?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time .
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think about this one for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless sales women are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act
Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with One exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." ( Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.(From drinking little bottles of . ?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish don't have brains.

And, the best for last...

Turtles can breathe through their butts .
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

[Xjmt]

Humans have sex for pleasure? Obviously they didn't survey any married men! OTOH I have to wonder what sex with a dolphin would be like?

Yes, I know Henry. Wet.

[DonaldTurner]

I hope you guys are ready for this one.

Proof The World Is Nuts

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time .
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think about this one for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with One exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." ( Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)

Guam isn't a country. It's actually part of the United States. I suspect that that Guam law would be found unconstitutional if it ever went to the Supreme Court, though if it's a deeply established part of Guam's culture, it may be a while before anyone ever challenges it.

[trucker2000]

I hope you guys are ready for this one.

Proof The World Is Nuts

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time .
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think about this one for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with One exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." ( Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)

Guam isn't a country. It's actually part of the United States. I suspect that that Guam law would be found unconstitutional if it ever went to the Supreme Court, though if it's a deeply established part of Guam's culture, it may be a while before anyone ever challenges it.

I can't see any Man challenging it.

[AnneB]

Well, it was just a joke I found on another forum. Maybe this wasn't the right place for it. This crowd may be too intellectual for this joke.

[Henry J]

Re "This crowd may be too intellectual for this joke."

E = mc squared.



Henry

[brian]

re: MC Squared

Isn't he that new hippity-hop artist, or something?

[Xjmt]

And here I thought his name was MC Bling Squared.

[Henry J]

Ah well, I s'pose all that is relative.

Henry

[Xjmt]

Guiness World Book For Women



Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was
one of 19.36m (63ft 2in), equivalent to three standard parking spaces,
by Mrs Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lampposts.

Film Confusion

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2min 40sec before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?" revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2min 38sec of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?"

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504km (313mile) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn(GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st
August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses, which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks, two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble
sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on
February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial
scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush
at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore
dress costing 10p, which escalated into a full-scale melee resulting in
another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then
ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women.
The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking About Nothing

Mrs Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs, and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a
half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee,
cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was
exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.



The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11 th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes
Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of
which she told Mrs Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was
having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs Blatherwick left at 2.10pm ,
Mrs Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to
secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it
had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair,
including the local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles,
a coach-load of American tourists which she flagged down and the
butchers wife. When a tired Mrs Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that
night Mrs Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering
75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social
Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night
club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other
members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at
9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hr 37min
later.

Single-Breath Sentence

A Berkshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty
minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs Mavis Sommers,
48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she
excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her
neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds
without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on
the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but
was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth
motor mouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her
neighbour, Mrs Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the
sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes
being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasm.

Yeah! I have one about the guys but wait your turn!

[Henry J]

gnu

[brian]

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He delivers a kick to Osama's knee.

Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people sharing the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up and hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 70 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

[Xjmt]

gnu---large African antilope.

er...I mean

[Xjmt]

Virginians? I read virgins but they all have PMS all the time.