Jokes

Post by **trucker2000** » Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:26 pm

Now that just cracks me up.

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Wed Aug 02, 2006 4:29 pm

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole, said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans levees.

Post by **trucker2000** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 6:55 pm

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:54 am

......so who put the flag pole back up?

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Fri Aug 04, 2006 4:11 pm

lswot wrote:......so who put the flag pole back up?

FEMA

Be afraid! Be very, very afraid!!

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:12 pm

Xjmt wrote:
lswot wrote:......so who put the flag pole back up?
FEMA

Be afraid! Be very, very afraid!!

Post by **trucker2000** » Thu Aug 10, 2006 6:38 pm

>>>Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
>>>make this
>>>a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as
>>>clergy.
>>>
>>>As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some
>>>really outrageous
>>>shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to
>>>the beach,
>>>dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,
>>>enjoying
>>>a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless
>>>blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They
>>>couldn't help
>>>but stare.
>>>
>>>As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father,
>>>good
>>>morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them.
>>>
>>>They were both stunned. How in the world did she know that they are
>>>priests?
>>>
>>>The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
>>>outrageous outfits.
>>>These were so loud that you could HEAR them before you even saw them.
>>>Once again,
>>>the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to
>>>enjoy the
>>>sunshine.
>>>
>>>After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini,
>>>taking
>>>her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again, she nodded, said "Good
>>>morning,
>>>Father," to each of them and started to walk away.
>>>
>>>One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a
>>>minute,
>>>young lady..."
>>>
>>>"Yes?" she replied.
>>>
>>>"We ARE priests, and proud of it, but I have to know..... how in the
>>>world
>>>did you KNOW we are priests, dressed as we are?"
>>>
>>>"Father," she replied, "it's me, Sister Mary Frances!"
>>>

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Fri Aug 11, 2006 6:01 am

Website · Post by **brian** » Fri Aug 11, 2006 6:10 am

A cute waste of time:

http://www.kontrabandcontent.co.uk/1/gr ... Button.swf

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Aug 11, 2006 7:39 am

Sisters aren't what they used ta be, huh?

Website · Post by **brian** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 9:07 am

A heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty lot.

The family's 5-year old daughter became interested in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems in the rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay envelope with $2.00 inside. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration. Mom suggested that they start a savings account.

When they talked to the teller, she was impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her very own money at such a young age.

The child proudly replied , "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

The teller said, "Wow, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied,"I will if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f***ing sheetrock."

Post by **trucker2000** » Thu Aug 24, 2006 1:27 pm

oops

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Thu Aug 24, 2006 3:54 pm

A married couple was in a terrible accident, where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

She replied, "Darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Tue Aug 29, 2006 1:35 pm

Subject: 1957!!!

Date: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 12:25:31 +0000

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?," Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby ? so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the
door behind her, and screams at her father: "Dad, it's called the twist!"

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Aug 29, 2006 2:03 pm

OOPS!