No way, Jose!Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Recycling
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Henry J
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
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Dear Dog/Cat:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college -- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
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Help stamp out and eradicate unnecessary redundancy!
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Eschew obfuscation!
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Henry
Dear Dog/Cat:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college -- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
========================================================
Help stamp out and eradicate unnecessary redundancy!
----------------
Eschew obfuscation!
----------------
Henry
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
CHILDREN'S SCIENCE EXAM ANSWERS
-Real answers given by children-
Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, vinegar
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How can you delay milk from turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and look forward to his adultery.
Q: What is the Law of Logical Argument?
A: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
(Stolen from a supermarket weekly newspaper)
Louise
Henry
-Real answers given by children-
Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, vinegar
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How can you delay milk from turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and look forward to his adultery.
Q: What is the Law of Logical Argument?
A: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
(Stolen from a supermarket weekly newspaper)
Louise
Henry
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Xjmt
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13815
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 6:13 am
- Location:Ohio
Well, yeah. But a supermarket weekly??Henry J wrote:Well, that's up ta you - I'm just repeating stuff I saw posted on other BB's.
Henry
From AAA,
"Back from a cruise, Lulu passed a box of chocolates around the office.
"What are we celebrating?" asked a co-worker.
"It's a boy."
"Really?" said her surprised friend.
"Really and truly--about 6-2 and 180 puunds."
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Carefully examining an exhibit in a natural history museum, a Boeing engineer said to a friend, "I'm concerned about this bird."
"Why?"
"His tail assembly appears to infringe on one of my patents," said the engineer.
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
College Degrees
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
_________________
Doctors Jokes
"But doctor," lamented the young husband in counseling, "whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical." "You mean, hysterical," said the doctor.
"No, historical. She is always digging up my past."
_________________
Here is a real Groaner:
An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
_________________
What do you call a 5' phychic on the run from the police?
.
.
.
A small medium at large.
_________________
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office.
He says, "I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam!"
The psychiatrist responds, "You need to relax. You're two tents."
_________________
Henry
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
_________________
Doctors Jokes
"But doctor," lamented the young husband in counseling, "whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical." "You mean, hysterical," said the doctor.
"No, historical. She is always digging up my past."
_________________
Here is a real Groaner:
An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
_________________
What do you call a 5' phychic on the run from the police?
.
.
.
A small medium at large.
_________________
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office.
He says, "I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam!"
The psychiatrist responds, "You need to relax. You're two tents."
_________________
Henry
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished! He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know, you could, just click off now and never read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says;
" Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair;
adds permanent wave. "
****************************************
Hey, I don't make them up.. I just pass them along...
Charles
****************************************
Henry
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished! He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know, you could, just click off now and never read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says;
" Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair;
adds permanent wave. "
****************************************
Hey, I don't make them up.. I just pass them along...
Charles
****************************************
Henry
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Xjmt
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13815
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 6:13 am
- Location:Ohio
The pilot of a small plane made an emergency landing on a highway when his plane developed engine trouble. He left the plane and went to a car that was pulled off on the side of the road.
The driver rolled down the window as the pilot came up to the car.
But before he could say anything, the driver's wife leaned across and said, "We're very sorry, sir. Nobody in the world but my husband could start out on a freeway and wind up in an airport."
From AAA who obviously have closely observed wives for many generations now.
The driver rolled down the window as the pilot came up to the car.
But before he could say anything, the driver's wife leaned across and said, "We're very sorry, sir. Nobody in the world but my husband could start out on a freeway and wind up in an airport."
From AAA who obviously have closely observed wives for many generations now.
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Understanding air flight:
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
Charles
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Henry
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
Charles
==========================================================
Henry
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Xjmt
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13815
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 6:13 am
- Location:Ohio
AAA again;
A couple visiting a movie set as they vacationed in Hollywood marveled at how much alike two actresses appeared.
"They must be twins." one said. "It's remarkable how much alike they look."
"No, they're not related," said the tour guide. "But they have been going to the same plastic surgeon for years."
A couple visiting a movie set as they vacationed in Hollywood marveled at how much alike two actresses appeared.
"They must be twins." one said. "It's remarkable how much alike they look."
"No, they're not related," said the tour guide. "But they have been going to the same plastic surgeon for years."
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Family Jokes
A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.
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Miscellaneous Jokes
An important official who was visiting an insane asylum made a telephone call but had difficulty getting his number. Finally, in exasperation, he shouted to the operator, "Look here, miss, do you know who I am?" "No," she replied calmly, "but I now where you are."
(Well, nuts!)
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Kid Jokes
Billy walks into class late. His teacher says, "Billy, do not walk into class late again." The next day Billy crawls into class late once again. His teacher says, "Billy, I thought I told you not to come into class late." Billy responds, "No, you told me I couldn't walk in class late.
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Knock-Knock Jokes
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
why are you crying it's just a joke!!
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Marriage Jokes
A couple are reading the paper, the wife says "This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds!"
Her husband, not to appear uninterested replied "I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!"
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Henry
A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.
------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
An important official who was visiting an insane asylum made a telephone call but had difficulty getting his number. Finally, in exasperation, he shouted to the operator, "Look here, miss, do you know who I am?" "No," she replied calmly, "but I now where you are."
(Well, nuts!)
------------------------------------
Kid Jokes
Billy walks into class late. His teacher says, "Billy, do not walk into class late again." The next day Billy crawls into class late once again. His teacher says, "Billy, I thought I told you not to come into class late." Billy responds, "No, you told me I couldn't walk in class late.
------------------------------------
Knock-Knock Jokes
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
why are you crying it's just a joke!!
-------------------------------------
Marriage Jokes
A couple are reading the paper, the wife says "This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds!"
Her husband, not to appear uninterested replied "I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!"
-------------------------------------
Henry
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Xjmt
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13815
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 6:13 am
- Location:Ohio
AAA again.
Buster and his wife were in a huge traffic jam with cars stoped dead along the highway for miles. As they waited, a tortoise walking along the berm passed their car.
"Did you see that turtle?" said Buster's wife.
"Yes," said Buster. "Didn't we pass him a couple of miles back?"
I'm convinced something is missing from this alleged joke. Either that or management of AAA are all driving drunk. :preach:
Buster and his wife were in a huge traffic jam with cars stoped dead along the highway for miles. As they waited, a tortoise walking along the berm passed their car.
"Did you see that turtle?" said Buster's wife.
"Yes," said Buster. "Didn't we pass him a couple of miles back?"
I'm convinced something is missing from this alleged joke. Either that or management of AAA are all driving drunk. :preach:
