Recycling

[Henry J]

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The Joke

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all.(That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the heck is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained.

"It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. The she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

John Limbach

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Henry

[lswot]

John Limbach? Gee, I thought it was your story!

[Henry J]

A woman had just taken her driving test when a police car came up behind them, sirens wailing, lights flashing.
"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.
"No," said the officer. "But you ARE driving a stolen vehicle."
Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to the test examiner. "Does this mean I failed my test?", she asked.

*****

Henry

[lswot]

A woman had just taken her driving test when a police car came up behind them, sirens wailing, lights flashing.
"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.
"No," said the officer. "But you ARE driving a stolen vehicle."
Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to the test examiner. "Does this mean I failed my test?", she asked.

*****

Henry

Uh.....yeah....

[Henry J]

Two friends were beginning a game of golf. The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball and got a hole in one. The other man said, "Now I'll take my practice swing, and then we'll start the game."

*****

( Hope that guy had a spare pair of pants on hand! )

( FORE! )

( Five? )

[Henry J]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students. He stressed one rule: "The female dorm is off-limits for male students and the male dorm for females. Anyone who breaks this rule will be fined $20. Anyone caught a second time will be fined $60. Third offense, $180. Any questions? A young man raised his hand and asked "How much is a season pass?"

(Say, you don't suppose that guy was missing the point of the rule, do you? )

*****

Henry

[lswot]

"(Say, you don't suppose that guy was missing the point of the rule, do you? )"


Um, yeah........

[Henry J]

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Some Cat's New Years Resolutions , part 1 of 2
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My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

================================

[Henry J]

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Some Cat's New Years Resolutions , part 2 of 2
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I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

================================

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
"New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies"
1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).
3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily... well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe...
7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
10. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
11. I will think of a password other than "password."
12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
13. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

*****

Henry

[lswot]

No need to 'resolve'......just be better!

[Henry J]

A guy walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the guy hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the guy returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The guy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

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Henry

[lswot]

Good one

[Henry J]

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....

If at first you don't succeed -- try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Pride, commitment, teamwork -- words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

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Henry

[lswot]

I like......