Recycling

[Henry J]

Alcohol Consumption

Of course this does not apply to any of my family and friends, but you may want to pass this on to other people to warn them.

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
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WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode

But on the other hand, keep in mind that beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

[lswot]

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epson Salt. (Aisle 8) And avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks..... Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe begins wondering if the computer can be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping here.

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[lswot]

[Henry J]

If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect. [It's not the heat, it's the humility?]

Books are the way the dead talk to the living. [Well, that and the occasional seance.]

Trying is the first step towards failure. [If at first you don't succeed, look for a scapegoat?]

The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced. [Gets the axle?]

A groundless rumor often covers a lot of ground. [And airwaves, too, sometimes.]

Eschew obfuscation!

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[lswot]

Your little asides are somewhat clever.

[Henry J]

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. [Si, Senor]

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. [Eat beans; America needs the gas.]

I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution. [Your mission, if you decide to except it,...]

Learn as much by writing as by reading. [Add in arithmetic, and you've got a start!]

The reward of one duty is the power to fulfill another. [Answers to questions often lead to more questions!]

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[Henry J]

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious. [Yeah, psychotic perkiness can annoy a sibling.]

Most people pay too much for the things they get for nothing. [That's inflation for ya]

Of those who say nothing, few are silent. [The closed mouth gathers no foot?]

"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't." [I knew that!]

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[lswot]

Thanks for the sayings......very good.

Have a Safe and Sane Fourth of July!!!!

[Henry J]

FireWorks ..

When Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets.

Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.

"Not here!" they said. ...very confusing.

Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!

But still he wondered, "Why here?"

At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch.

So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, we always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai"

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[lswot]

*groan*

[Henry J]

Take two acetylsalicylic acid tablets, and call Dr. McCoy/Crusher/Bashir/Holodoc in the morning.

[Henry J]

Subject: When I Say I'm Broke-- I'm Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young
man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like
to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady.

"I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

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[lswot]