Recycling

[lswot]

..... you are so funny.....or is that 'punny'?

[Henry J]

I'm trying!

[lswot]

Yes you are.

[Henry J]

I resemble that remark!

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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? [Either that or cut his celery]

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? [Only if it's out on a limb.]

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? [Nah, that would be barking up the wrong tree]

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? [Yep.]

If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler? [Uh - meter reader?]

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? [Now there's a fruitful question]

How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on? [What, you didn't get the memo?]

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? [And would a population explosion of sponges make it less deep?]

If you're going through hell, keep going. --Walt Disney [And, why did Mickey Mouse go into space? Double credit if you catch both references in that.]

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[Henry J]

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? [Because English is a foreign language?]

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? [Girl Scout cookies? Lady fingers?]

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? [I dunno; would any kind of grape be useful as bait when fishing?]

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry? [Nah; you'd be converted into energy.]

If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up? [Either that or you're upside down!]

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? [The remainder?]

If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out? [Brain, brain, what is brain? - Immorg]

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[Henry J]

My wife left me but I'm not sure why.

After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, so I'd have to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker -- maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 for makeup. I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "But honey, I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Heck, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

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[lswot]

Not likely......

[Henry J]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Gosh!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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[Henry J]

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the thing's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

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HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

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[lswot]

stick with the dog.......better for your health.

[Henry J]

Woof!

[lswot]

Nice puppy!

[Henry J]

Meow!

[Henry J]

Subject: Fw: And They Vote

A guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old refrigerator, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the refrigerator sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
Caution! These people Vote!

[OTOH, as he was trying to give it away free in the first place, sounds to me like the result was what he wanted! ]
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
She ALSO votes!


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[Henry J]

Subject: Fw: And They Vote

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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific."
He ALSO votes!

[Well it's about time]
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My colleague and I were e ating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
She ALSO votes!

[Tip: cars do not go faster than light! Not even if equipped with a flux capacitor! Which is also about time!]
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