Recycling

[Henry J]

Posted Wednesday, April 7, 2004 @ 05:56 PM

IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO .... Cocoa beans. another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie...
One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt

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(Anonymouse)

(And besides, a cookie in each hand is a balanced diet! )

[Henry J]

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like me!”

The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?”

The first guy answers, “Chicago.”

“Me too!” says the second guy, “What street do you live on?”

“Forty-Ninth Street,” answers the first guy.

“Me too!” says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. “What's your address?”

''951.”

“Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?”

“John and Cathy,” says the first guy. “Me too!” shouts the second guy. “I wonder if we're related!?”

Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.

“No,” says the first bartender, “just the Smith twins, drunk again.”

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(Yeah, those two guys were beside themselves!)

[Henry J]

First Golfer: "I have the greatest golf ball in the world. You can't lose it."
Second Golfer: "How so?"
First Golfer: "If you hit it into the sand, it beeps. Hit it into the water, it floats. If you want to play golf at night, it glows."
Second golfer: "Wow, that does sound like a great ball. Where'd you get it?"
First golfer: "Found it in the woods."

*****

(FORE! )

(Five? )

[Henry J]

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that.

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(Keep in mind, the grass is always greener over the septic tank.)

[Henry J]

Posted Sunday, May 16, 2004 @ 04:56 AM

From NETSCAPE'S WHAT'S NEW.

The No. 1 Most Irritating Cliché

We hear them 24/7. But at the end of the day, which cliché makes you want to scream? With all due respect, figuring this out is not rocket science. At least, that's what a group called the Plain English Campaign thought. Led by John Lister, it surveyed more than 5,000 English-speaking people in 70 countries to determine the most annoying clichés of all time.

And the No. 1 most annoying cliché is: "at the end of the day."

And that is so right! There is nothing more annoying than a serious business executive standing before a room of bored employees droning on about "at the end of the day....blah blah blah." Folks just stop listening when those words are uttered. Which is exactly Lister's point about clichés. "When readers or listeners come across these tired expressions, they start tuning out and completely miss the message--assuming there is one," he told The Associated Press. "Using these terms in daily business is about as professional as wearing a novelty tie or having a wacky ringtone on your phone." Since he surveyed people in 70 countries, Lister expected geographical variations. He was surprised. The same tired old phrases are universally annoying around the world.

The Most Irritating Clichés:
1. At the end of the day
2. At this moment in time
3. The constant use of "like," as if it were a form of punctuation
4. With all due respect

Irritating Cliché Runners-Up:
--24/7
--absolutely
--address the issue
--awesome
--ballpark figure
--bear with me
--between a rock and a hard place
--blue-sky thinking
--bottom line
--crack troops
--glass half full (or half empty)
--I hear what you're saying
--in terms of
--it's not rocket science
--literally
--move the goal posts
--on a weekly basis
--ongoing
--singing from the same hymn sheet
--the fact of the matter is
--thinking outside the box
--to be honest with you
--touch base

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Roger Stegman

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[Henry J]

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An Example Of Good Writing

WE MUST absolutely address the issue about THE awesome ballpark figure. bear with me, WE ARE between a rock and a hard place AND MUST GET OUT OF THIS WITH blue-sky thinking ABOUT THE bottom line. WE MUST SEND crack troops TO THINK ABOUT WHETHER THE glass half full (or half empty). I hear what you're saying in terms of THE FACT THAT it's not rocket science, literally. WE MUST move the goal posts on a weekly basis IN OUR ongoing EFFORTS TO BE singing from the same hymn sheet.
the fact of the matter is THAT WE ARE thinking outside the box. to be honest with you, WE MUST touch base REGULARLY, IN FACT WE MUST DO SO --24/7

AGREE?

--------------------------------------
Roger Stegman

--------------------------------------
Well, let's run it up the flag pole and see if anyone salutes.
Have your people call mine and we'll do lunch.
Caio'.

--------------------------------------
Lee

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Yeah, using phrases like those would be like being out on a limb up a tree without a paddle!

[Henry J]

Four Jack Rabbits are strolling in the prairie. Out of nowhere, a gang of coyotes begins to chase them. So the rabbits run under a huge cactus for refuge.

Then the hungry coyotes surround the cactus. One jack rabbit says to another, "Okay, should we make a run for it, or wait till we outnumber them?"

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[Henry J]

*****
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

*****

[Henry J]

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables hanging around his neck.

The bartender gives him a look and says gruffly, "All right, pal, I'll let you stay, but don't start anything."

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[Henry J]

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age, experience, and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time!

*****

[Henry J]

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman said.

The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken," the officer asked.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

*****

[Henry J]

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

*****

(Ah, one of those ID ten T errors.)

[Henry J]

Question: Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Answer: Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

(Well, hot dog!)

[Henry J]

Home » Politically Incorrect » Root

Excuse Me

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"

The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?"

*****

[Henry J]

What boots up must come down.