Recycling

[Henry J]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students. He stressed one rule: "The female dorm is off-limits for male students and the male dorm for females. Anyone who breaks this rule will be fined $20. Anyone caught a second time will be fined $60. Third offense, $180. Any questions? A young man raised his hand and asked "How much is a season pass?"

(Say, you don't suppose that guy was missing the point of the rule, do you? )

[Henry J]

Two friends were beginning a game of golf. The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball and got a hole in one. The other man said, "Now I'll take my practice swing, and then we'll start the game."

...

( Hope that guy had a spare pair of pants on hand! )

( FORE! )

( Five? )

[Henry J]

Some sports team names inspire fear, like the Detroit Tigers. Others inspire head scratching, like the Chicago White Sox--their socks are white, so what? Suggested names for future teams around the globe:

Czech Republic: The Prague Tologists
Taiwan: The Taipei Personalities
India: The Delhi Contestants
Bolivia: The Bolivia de Havillands

(From Reader's Digest. I guess somebody went to the library after lunch. )

[Henry J]

What did one DNA say to another DNA?

Answer: "Do these genes make me look fat?"

(Not that I can see!)

[Henry J]

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

(I can't see that, either!)

[Henry J]

There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this everyday, but he told nobody what was inside the box. Then one day he died, and in his testament he gave the crew permission to open the box. So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper:

''Starboard is right, port is left.''

[Henry J]

I'd Like A Coke Please

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

[Henry J]

Lawyers are leaving their mark everywhere. Today at the aquarium there was a sign that said "Alleged Killer Whale".

(I dunno; I don't see the porpoise in that.)

[Henry J]

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(Yeah, I guess if there were records, those would have tolled us!)

[Henry J]

Two dogs were out for a walk. One dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute. I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs a fire hydrant for about a minute, then rejoins his friend.

"What was that all about?" the other dog asks.

"Just checking my messages."

(Smell O gram?)

[Henry J]

What kind of nut do you want?

Cashew.

Gesundheit!

[Henry J]

The Scandinavian electronics company Electrolux tried to sell its vacuum cleaner here in the United States by telling Americans, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Then there's Chevrolet trying to sell their Novas in Mexico.
In Spanish "Nova" means something like "It don't go".

[Henry J]

THE BEST OF THE WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES:

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Got In At 2 With A '10' And Woke Up At 10 With A '2'
8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying Over You
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
22. Please Bypass This Heart
23. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
24. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
25. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

(Disclaimer: I haven't personally verified that each of the above was ever actually a song title. )

[Henry J]

It was a really hot day. The drunk decided that maybe he should lay off the alcohol, so he went to a vending machine to buy a soda. He put some change in and a can came out. The drunk popped a few more coins into the slot and another can rolled down. Excited, he continued to feed the machine.

Pretty soon, a line formed behind him. Finally, a woman yelled, "Hurry Up! We're all hot and thirsty."

"No way," he said. "I'm still winning."

[Henry J]

Astronaut to crewmates: "Are we there yet?"