Recycling

[Henry J]

A Cat In Heaven

One day, a cat died of natural causes and went to Shinning Isle, where she met the Goddess, Mother of all things.

The Lady said to the cat, "Daughter of Bast, if there is any way I can make your stay in Summerlands more pleasant, please let me know."

The cat thought for a moment and said, "Gracious Lady, I have had good life, the humans I lived with were loving to me, but they were a poor family, and I had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Queen of the Shinning Isle smiled, and a soft, fully pillow appeared in snuggly catbox.

A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them went to the afterlife. Again, the Gracious Goddess who gives joy was there to greet the little mice. She asked them if there was any thing they wished. The mice answered all at once, squeeking, Skates! Skates! We want rollerskates! We've been chased and terrorized by dogs, owls, women with brooms, cats, farm equipment! Running, running, running; we're tired of running. We want skates!"

Somewhat amused, the Goddess answered, "If you wish." Each mouse was fitted instantly with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, it pleased the Goddess to walk among the trees of the orchard on the Shining Isle. She passed by the snuggly cat box and found the tabby snoozing on the pillow.

The Lady gently wakes the cat and asks her, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretched and yawned, then replied, "It is wonderful here." Purring happily, she continued, "Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

*****

( Meow. SQUEEK! )

[Henry J]

Rules to live by......(1/3)

* Indecision is the key to flexibility. [Procrastinate NOW!]
* You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. [Choo]
* There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. [RTFM?]
* Happiness is merely the remission of pain. [!hcuo]
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. [And neither is deja vu!]
* Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. [Burp!]
* The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
* Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. [And isn't in corporate management]

[Henry J]

Rules to live by......(2/3)

* Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. [Deja vu, again?]
* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. [KISS!]
* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. [Just ask any superhero!]
* I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. [Quantum mechanics?]
* If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. [Haven't had time.]
* All things being equal, fat people use more soap. [But are things ever equal?]
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. [Baaa!]
* One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. [Dang!]

[Henry J]

Rules to live by......(3/3)

* By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends. [But the check is in the mail?]
* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. [Stupid is as stupid does?]
* This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it. [Just ask Murphy.]
* Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. [Oink!]
* No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
* Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
* Never pass a snow plow on the right. [Also, don't eat yellow snow]
* Eschew unnecessary redundant obfuscation. [Gesundheit!]

[Henry J]

------------------------------------------
Happily Addicted to the Web
---------------------------
(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

[Henry J]

------------------------------------------
The Bill Gates Song
-------------------
(to the tune of "The Christmas Song")

Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!
Everybody knows he's never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company's goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?
He knows the world is in his sway,
We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He'll take us anywhere we ask him--for a fee.

And so we're offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!

[Henry J]

Did you hear the one about "Ole talks with God"?

Ole was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up strong drink."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Ole looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one!"

*****

[Henry J]

Microsoft
---------
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells" starting with "dashing thru the snow...")

Nine-tenths of a gig,
Biggest ever seen,
God, this program's big--
MS Word 15!
Comes on ten CDs,
And requires--damn!
Word is fine, but jeez--
60 megs of RAM?!

Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Bloatware all the way!
I've sat here installing Word
Since breakfast yesterday!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Moderation, please.
Guess you hadn't noticed:
Four-gig drives don't grow on trees!

[Henry J]

------------------------------------------
I'm Dreaming of a Clean System
-------------------------------
(to the tune of "White Christmas")

I'm dreaming of a clean System,
Something that fits on one CD.
Each component matches,
Not bits and patches,
Unlike 7-5-point-3.
I'm longing for a dream System,
Small, stable, fast, and trouble-free.
What we want, I think you'll agree,
Is called System 6-point-oh-3!

[Henry J]

------------------------------------------
Prove It's So!
--------------
(to the tune of "Let It Snow")

Oh, the papers say Apple's dying,
But before we start good-byeing,
We should call them all up and go,
"Prove it's so! Prove it's so! Prove it's so!"

They say "Mac OS software's scarcer."
We say, "Read those numbers, there, sir,
Sales continued this year to grow.
There ya go, there ya go, there ya go!"

When they tell us Win 95
Made the Mac's famed advantages ebb,
We'll say, "Why, then, do Macs now drive
60 percent of the Web?"

We can win our PR reversal--
Make the Mac be universal--
Though we may have some years to go,
Make it so, make it so, make it so!

[Henry J]

Subject: Dilbert Dictionary (1 of 4)

The Expanded Dilbert vocabulary:

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Blowing your buffer - Losing your train of thought.

Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

[Henry J]

Subject: Dilbert Dictionary (2 of 4)

Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM - Career-limiting move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.

[Henry J]

Subject: Dilbert Dictionary (3 of 4)

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message404 Not Found, meaning that the requested document could not be located. Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man.

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

[Henry J]

Subject: Dilbert Dictionary (4 of 4)

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in This is Dale, my... um... friend.

Yuppie Food Stamps - the ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps.

[Henry J]

My karma ran over your dogma.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Don't say bald - say combing impaired.

Hermits Unite!

Optimistic - even in the face of reality.

Attitudes are the biggest disability.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers

All we are saying is give peas a chance.

Mend your fuelish ways.

Eschew obfuscation. [gesundheit!]