Recycling

[Henry J]

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

--rstegman

-------------

[Henry J]

Some artists of the '60s are revising their hit songs with new lyrics, to accommodate the aging baby boomers.

They include:

Hermann's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"

Ringo Starr: "I Get By With a Little Help from Depends"

Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

[Henry J]

Continued, part 2 of 3

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard it Through the Bran Flakes"

Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

[Henry J]

Continued, part 3 of 3

The Temptations: "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Abba: "Denture Queen"

Tony Orlando: "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Fall, Dear"

Helen Reddy: "I am Woman, Hear me Snore"

Willie Nelson: "On the Throne Again"

Leslie Gore: "It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I Want To"

[Henry J]

Alabama : Well Yes, We Have Electricity [and NASA!]

Alaska : 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! [It's inuitive!]

Arizona : But It's A Dry Heat [Baked Arizona?]

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything.

California : By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
California.............not just another pretty face.
California.............our Governor can beat up your Governor [and he'll be back!]

Colorado : If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother [Well, I live there, and don't ski, so... ]

Connecticut : Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It yet

Delaware : We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water [dihydrogen monoxide anyone?]

Florida : Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia : Peachy.

[Henry J]

Hawaii : Aloha, come here to lei about on the beaches after the luau.

Idaho : More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois : Please Don't Pronounce the "S" [Why, they don't like noise?]

Indiana : 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free [Same here in CO!]

Iowa : We Do Amazing Things With Corn [and produced Capt. Kirk and Cpl. O'Reilly ]

Kansas : First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky : Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland : If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

[Henry J]

Massachusetts : Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan : First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota : 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi : Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri : Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana : Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska : Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada : Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire : Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey : You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

[Henry J]

New Mexico : Lizards Make Excellent Pets [And painted rocks make a green lawn!]

New York : You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina : Tobacco Is A Vegetable [Well, it's a plant and it's green. Beyond that, nope. ]

North Dakota : We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma : Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon : Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania : Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina : Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

[Henry J]

South Dakota : Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee : The Educashun State [I resemble that remark! ]

Texas : Si, Hablo Ingles

Utah : Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont : Yep

Virginia : Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington : We have more rain than you do

Washington , DC. : Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia : One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin : Come Cut The Cheese [And we'll badger ya til ya do!]

Wyoming : Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared [I don't get it!]

------------

[Henry J]

Support A Family:

The prospective father-in-law asked, "young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.

[Henry J]

EXERCISE .... the true facts!

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on Earth she is.

[Henry J]

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks and Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

[Henry J]

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

[Henry J]

The Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree!

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.

Author Unknown

[Henry J]

Prayers:

The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"no sir," he replied, "we don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"