Recycling

[Henry J]

HELPFUL HOUSE CLEANING HINTS, beginning

Windows:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

[Henry J]

HELPFUL HOUSE CLEANING HINTS, continued

Cobwebs:
Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?"
(Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations.)

[Henry J]

HELPFUL HOUSE CLEANING HINTS, continued

Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

[Henry J]

HELPFUL HOUSE CLEANING HINTS, continued

Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

[Henry J]

HELPFUL HOUSE CLEANING HINTS, continued

Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

[Henry J]

HELPFUL HOUSE CLEANING HINTS, continued

General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.

[Henry J]

HELPFUL HOUSE CLEANING HINTS, continued

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck

Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

[Henry J]

HELPFUL HOUSE CLEANING HINTS, the end

An old favorite way of doing housework: sweep the room with a glance.

If you want an example of a great housekeeper, there's Zsa Zsa Gabor. (Every time she got a divorce, she kept the house, dahling! Can't get better at keeping houses than that!)

[Henry J]

Fifteen Things To Remember as We Close the Book on Another Century

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

[Henry J]

Fifteen Things To Remember as We Close the Book on Another Century, continued

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

[Henry J]

Fifteen Things To Remember as We Close the Book on Another Century, continued

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

[Henry J]

Fifteen Things To Remember as We Close the Book on Another Century, continued

You should not confuse your career with your life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

[Henry J]

Fifteen Things To Remember as We Close the Book on Another Century, continued

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Your friends love you anyway.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

[Henry J]

First Time Ushers:

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me daddy. I'm under five."

[Henry J]

At a restaurant for frogs, what might a frog order?

French flies and diet croak.