Eschew obfuscation!(
Gesundheit!)
Recycling
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store
MEANWHILE..
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited...
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store
MEANWHILE..
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited...
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
A kid's view on marriage (1 of 3)
What Exactly Is Marriage?
Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents. Eric, six years old
When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out. Anita, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. Kelly, nine years old
My mother says to look for a man who is kind... That's what I'll do... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome. Carolyn, eight years old
What Exactly Is Marriage?
Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents. Eric, six years old
When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out. Anita, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. Kelly, nine years old
My mother says to look for a man who is kind... That's what I'll do... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome. Carolyn, eight years old
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
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Re: Recycling
A kid's view on marriage (2 of 3)
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. Bert, five years old
My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind. Jeremy, eight years old
Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love. Craig, nine years old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values. Lottie, nine years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date? On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, ten years old
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. Bert, five years old
My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind. Jeremy, eight years old
Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love. Craig, nine years old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values. Lottie, nine years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date? On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, ten years old
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
A kid's view on marriage (3 of 3)
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. Allan, ten years old
Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. Kally, nine years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan. Kirsten, ten years old
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. Anita, nine years old
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. Will, seven years old
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. Allan, ten years old
Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. Kally, nine years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan. Kirsten, ten years old
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. Anita, nine years old
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. Will, seven years old
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
A Middle Aged Woman
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . ."
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(Ready for this?)
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(I'm warning you.....)
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(Still not too late.....)
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"You're simply going through the change."
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Roger Stegman
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A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . ."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(Ready for this?)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(I'm warning you.....)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(Still not too late.....)
.
.
.
.
.
.
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"You're simply going through the change."
=============
Roger Stegman
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."..
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
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"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."..
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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Re: Recycling
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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Re: Recycling
Sports entrance exam (part 1 pf 3)
University Entrance Exam - SEC Football Player Version (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)
You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify,
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Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY [Well, the name mentions shaking a spear, so (c)?]
Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. [Jacques?]
What language is spoken in France? [Swiss?]
What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic [Italian?]
What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? [Happy hour?]
University Entrance Exam - SEC Football Player Version (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)
You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify,
.
Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY [Well, the name mentions shaking a spear, so (c)?]
Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. [Jacques?]
What language is spoken in France? [Swiss?]
What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic [Italian?]
What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? [Happy hour?]
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Sports entrance exam (part 2 pf 3)
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How many commandments was Moses given? [fifteen, but Mel Brooks dropped one of the tablets.]
Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? [My feet aren't that small]
What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners [Inuit? Eskimo? Lapplander? Elves?]
Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. [Aye, Aye-aye, aye-aye-aye, Ivy, Vee]
Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no [Sure - Photons fast. Matter slow.]
What are coat hangers used for? [Prying things open]
.
How many commandments was Moses given? [fifteen, but Mel Brooks dropped one of the tablets.]
Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? [My feet aren't that small]
What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners [Inuit? Eskimo? Lapplander? Elves?]
Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. [Aye, Aye-aye, aye-aye-aye, Ivy, Vee]
Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no [Sure - Photons fast. Matter slow.]
What are coat hangers used for? [Prying things open]
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
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Re: Recycling
Sports entrance exam (part 3 pf 3)
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Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky [Sprinklers. Or maybe Spain on the plain]
The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? [McHenry?]
Where is the basement in a three story building located? [Just follow the arrows]
Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin [The groves?]
Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium OR spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. [Y-O-U-R-N-A-M-E]
What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? [The Star Spangled Banner]
.
Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky [Sprinklers. Or maybe Spain on the plain]
The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? [McHenry?]
Where is the basement in a three story building located? [Just follow the arrows]
Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin [The groves?]
Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium OR spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. [Y-O-U-R-N-A-M-E]
What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? [The Star Spangled Banner]
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
DUMBEST KID IN THE WORLD? I THINK NOT
A young boy entered a barber shop and the barber whispered to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then called the boy over and asked, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer left, he saw the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son!", he said. "I'd like to ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."
A young boy entered a barber shop and the barber whispered to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then called the boy over and asked, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer left, he saw the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son!", he said. "I'd like to ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
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Henry J
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
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Re: Recycling
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.