Recycling

[Henry J]

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

[Henry J]

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

[Henry J]

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

[Either that or get off my lawn!]

[Henry J]

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

[Henry J]

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

[Henry J]

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

[Henry J]

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

[Henry J]

Two students miss a final exam

Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. Cool, they thought, this is going to be an easy final. They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

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[Henry J]

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.

15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

[Henry J]

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

[Henry J]

What advice do you give to a person who is falling apart?

Use Duct tape.

[Henry J]

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. [But at least pull over before calling anyone about it.]

[Henry J]

Does killing time damage eternity? [Sure, but remember time wounds all heels! (Just ask Achilles)]

[Henry J]

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? [Cause in the jungle he has lots of close shaves!]

[Henry J]

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? [Duck tape it ain't! Quack!]